I am not trying to tear apart Nic's family.

I was recently accused of trying to tear apart Nic-Nic-Nicaroo's family. That is bold-faced lie and the next person who makes the claim (coughNic'sOldestBabyBrothercough) will get tied to a crocodile using lederhosen. (Please forgive me for the misplaced modifier. The crocodile is not using lederhosen. Rather, I will use the lederhosen as tying device. This is quite the sacrifice because I love lederhosen always and forever, and I do not want the precious garment ruined by a reptile.)

Here are some long overdue Nic's Family Interview highlights. This should be evidence enough of why this Shih-Tsu loving, Snack Drawer having, Cranky Curling clan should stay united.

This is Kelly Walden at the House of Horror.
Nic: HALLOWEENIE 2007! Wait. THANKSGIVINGY 2007!

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Your daughter hung up on me once. Why did you raise her like that?
Ultimate: I didn't know about it. I never knew she would something like that. I raised her much better than that, but one day I went on the internet to check up on all the children I have adopted across the world, and I stumbled across information about this one I gave birth to - the one I gave my life for, practically - and saw that she was interviewed by her friend, Kelly. I thought, "I'm going to read this! It is going to be so funny!" That is exactly what I thought. Then I scrolled down, and the interview was rude. It was rushed. It was showing favoritism for people who lived in Bellingham, which I know firsthand is what she does. And then it was over.

So if you could go back and change anything about your life raising Nicole, like if you gave birth to her, or fed her, what would you change?
I think we would raise her more like Swiss Family Robinson, so she would appreciate the earth and natural things like trees, plants, friendship, and love. And alligators.

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Ryan, remember when your voice wasn't so deep?
::pause::
::whispering in background::
No.

I would like the reader to know that a certain "Ultimate" is coaching her son's answers. I would also like the reader to know that Nicole is screeching and lifting her shirt to scare the dog. Now, Ryan, I hear you're a poet. Give me a poem!
I don't have them committed to memory. There are too many of them.

If you say that again, I will punch you. Ryan, give me a poem!
Once again, I do not have any of them committed to memory.

I am punching him. Can you give some topics?
Love.

And... Mexican Waxes? [Context: Mexican Waxes, according to the Nic's Family Patriarch, are like Brazilian Waxes for men. Men have jalepenos, you see.] No. Just love.

Ok. Since we are only getting "love" from RJ, we are moving to Derek, chess extraordinaire, who is currently being tormented by two reddish dogs. Derek, say something brilliant to me.
Hellllooooo.

Elaborate.
Um.
::whispering from the family::
Y=MX + B

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Math formulas, poetry, and motherly guidance - those are the reasons that the RADEN/JOBES STAND UNITED.