Hey, Supreme Court Justices.

Usually, Comcast News makes me want to barf, punch things, yell, "I hate you Comcast News!" But today they highlighted an interesting article about what the Supreme Court has been up to. Though it's not excellent journalism, I especially like this part:

Giving rights to the detainees "will almost certainly cause more Americans to be killed," Justice Antonin Scalia said in a scathing dissent he read from the bench.

No one threw that line back at Scalia in the guns case. But Justice John Paul Stevens, also summarizing his dissent in court, said of Scalia's majority opinion on gun rights that "adherence to a policy of judicial restraint by this court is far wiser than the bold decision it announced today."

Hahaha. Stupid Scalia.

It is too early to predict realistic events.

Tomorrow, we camp. I envision this scene:

"Baum, will you hand me a marshmallow, please? That would be ever so thoughtful." I ask her sweetly. A smile spreads across my angelic face.

An instant later, we hear a bang. Where Baumgal once was sitting is now a swirling mass of smoke and sparkles. Out of the chaos rises a falcon. It screeches in a fowly dialect, "I am Baumgal, and I am free!"

Jodi, Lindsay, and I watch, speechless, as the bird flaps its wings above the pine trees and soars toward the setting sun beyond Bellingham Bay.

Hahahahaha. Just kidding. I'm practicing the fiction unit. This is the "developing stage." Note the overload of prepositional phrases.

But we really are camping tomorrow.

How I am best friends with J.D. Salinger

Me --->
Writing partner Amy, from this past week's teacher camp --->
Amy's 14-year-old son, Ben --->
Ben's best friend from summer camp, Avery --->
Avery's grandfather, J.D. Salinger

Amy and I were discussing "mentor texts" - I dreamed about reading a short story and observing comma use, by the way - when we started mentioning the style of Mr. Jerome David Salinger.

Then Amy laughed and told me, "Last week, I gave my son Catcher in the Rye to read while he was at camp. He said, 'Hey! Avery's grandpa wrote this!' and now I feel like Avery's family is going to think I'm a suck up."

Anyway, here a little of the Salinger Style:

Teddy bears who look down their thoroughly unenlightened noses at this splendid planet where (please don't shut me up) Kilroy, Christ, and Shakespeare all stopped - before we join these others, I privately say to you, old friend (unto you, really, I'm afraid), please accept from me this unpretentious bouquet of very early-blooming parentheses: (((()))).
-Raise High the Roof Beams, Carpenters; and Seymour, An Introduction

Dump, Jump, same difference.

When I was in junior high, we played a softball tournament in 105 degree weather. It was ridiculous. What was more ridiculous, though, was when Oats said, "After the game, we should go take a dump in the river."

Telling birds what's what.

Duck Mamas are feisty. Three classmates and I were sitting in a rowboat in the middle of an arboretum, eating cheez-its and and chatting about professors when "QUA!" The duck mama made a fuss.

"Hey Duck Mama," I barked, "Get outta our faces. We threw you and your babies some crackers, but that's over now. It's human time." She floated around a few minutes to make a statement and then flapped away to her adorable ducklings.

In addition to Duck Mama, our rowboat trip exposed us to the following:
-A crane catching and eating a fish
-Naked humans being naked
-A nutria eating lily pads
-Pied Billed Grebes being Pied Billed
-A turtle sticking its turtley head out of the water to breathe and say, "What's up, rowboaters! I am a turtle!"

Please pay me, Seattle Parks and Rec.

Today, I scooted to the park. Magnuson Park. It's adorable.

Let's look at the vandalism. Why would anyone write, "Salmon in the Shower" in curvy letters, and follow it with an impressive drawing of said salmon in said shower? Probably because the vandalizer was overcome with the park's general adorableness and felt that she or he had to continue the preciousness.

Then there's the dog park. At most dog parks, people would look at me and ask their dog-loving friend, "Why is that girl at the dog park even though she doesn't have a dog? That's creepy." At Magnuson, nobody notices my creepiness. The dozens of frolicking, swimming, sniffing canines distract dog-owners from the non-dog-owners. My creepiness today allowed me to pet a collie puppy, yellow lab puppy, and pug that snorted.

Finally, happy people abound at Magnuson Park. Immediately after my arrival, I plopped down on some grass in front of seven ducks. The ducks gave me a look like, "Give me food, Giant Featherless Duck." (Animals don't know we're the not the same. They're so dumb.) Then a large, middle-aged, Italian man walked through the bird crowd and leaped into the lake. He swam out to a big pole. Then he turned around and swam back to shore where his bald friend was sitting on a lawn chair. Neither of them were smoking cigars.

When I left Italian Swimmer and Bald Sitter, I discovered an African family that was afraid of dogs. Actually, I only know the mother and five-year-old were scared of dogs, because when a Schnauzer approached them, they scooted away. The kid screeched. The rest of the family stood around and spoke in an African language. I didn't understand what they were saying, because I only know English and about diez palabaras in Spanish, but if the others were afraid of Schnauzers, they spoke about the fear in a calm tone.

One of these days, I will take you to Magnuson Park.

Free vs. unfree

It is early Sunday evening. I'm searching for Monday night events to help entertain my New York (/Spokane/Bellingham/Seattle) pal who is in town. The Stranger's calendar shows me a list of stuff. Since my roommate is gone and I scoff at the cats' judgment of me, I say aloud, "Boring, boring, boring... AIR GUITAR CHAMPIONSHIPS!"

Yes, the air guitar championships are coming to a nearby venue, and I am going.

"Psych!" says fate. "Cover is $14!"

Back to the internet and Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List.

Seattle silliness

As I was walking to work, I saw a fake kitten in a real tree. I took this picture with my camera phone, because I don't have a digital camera, and even if I did, I wouldn't have taken it to work:


Then I discussed naked bicyclists with most of my customers.

Finally, I came home and said, "Hey, Freak!" to my cat, Abraham Lincoln. Abe is real and naked. He does not ride a bike.

Welcome, Summer! Take off your coat and stay a while!

It is the longest day of the year, poopsies, and I intend to swim, laugh, and read. I also wouldn't mind innertubing.

Please call me if you have a boat.

Rejoice at sad, gas station faces.

Five Reasons to Love $4 Gas:

1. Significantly higher use of mass transit.
2. Lower obesity rates.
3. Fewer accidents.
4. Shorter commutes.
5. Increased use of biofuels.

Read the article for numbers.

On a related note, I walked to the grocery store for the second time this week. This has more to do with my boredom than gas prices, but still.

What you may or may not have missed.

Sooo happy #1


Sooo happy #2


Sooo happy #3

How to show up your smug batfriend.

Once again, Discovery Channel News has come through to expose the awesomeness of humans: we use our sense of hearing in an echolocationy way. Oh, yes, you heard that right.

(Notice how I said "heard that" instead of "read that." What a funny joke!)

When reading the article, be sure to appreciate the silliness of an organization called The Acoustical Society of America, as well as the irony of said society's meeting location: Paris. The Acoustical Society of AMERICA is meeting in Paris. France. Europe.

Two Questions, One Opinion

Two Questions:
1. Would you rather have a son like Bart Simpson or Rod Flanders?
2. How many of the 10 Commandments do you know?

One Opinion:
The Year of Living Biblically is the best book we have chosen thus far.

Flounder

Discovery News wrote their headline like this: Talking Robofish in Puget Sound

I would write it like this: Talking Robofish in Puget Sound!

Exclamation mark!

The Recent History of Silly Hats, as told by my pictures

As requested by Baumgal, here is evidence that where there are hats, there is never boredom.

Dorm unboredom, freshman year.


Apartment unboredom, sophomore year.


House unboredom, junior year.


More house unboredom, senior year. (This hat is a repeat because it is a favorite... and there isn't a whole lot of evidence from senior year.) (And whoa. That's the cleanest our house had ever been.)


Other people's house unboredom, graduate degree year #1.


You see? You see how Jon Arbuckle was an idiot for thinking one could be bored while wearing a hat? That is why he doesn't get dates.

Happy Father's Day!

This is Oats. Well, Oats and Buster. Oats is in the green shirt. He is my dad, and he is a badass.

Evidence of Oats's badassdom:

-When I was about 9, I decided to tackle Oats into a footstool. He broke his rib, but didn't get mad. (Maybe that one rib is the only unbadass part of Oats.)

-Oats was my softball coach. I wasn't a fast runner, but once, he had me steal second against this really good team because they all knew of my slowness and didn't expect to run. The other team stood in shock. Oats and I had a good laugh.

-Oats had me (and all of his business students) memorize the Dale Carnegie's 21 rules of how to win friends and influence people. I still use them. That is why I am so charming.

-Oats taught me how to, "Walk in like you own the place," and "Do it until they tell you not to." That is why I am a little bit of a badass, too.

-Oats tells corny jokes.

-Oats drinks a lot of Mountain Dew.

-Oats is the best dad in the history of dads in every city, state, and country. Truth.

I love you, O!

Jon Arbuckle, you are a fool.

Where there is a hat, there is NEVER boredom.

My stressful morning, my lovely afternoon.

Things I wish I would have discovered earlier:
-Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List
-Bell peppers
-That I lost my work key and needed my boss to unlock the door for me at 6 AM

One of our activities.

Some pals and I hiked Oyster Dome on Thursday afternoon. The sun said, "Heeey hikers! I will shine on you!" And it did. It shined beautifully.


That is actually a picture from the Oyster Dome hike I did two years ago, but you get the idea. The hike is steep, and the view is spectacular.

Thanks for being you, Mother Nature.

Life is perfect, except...

I want to barbecue kabobs, but I have neither a barbecue nor kabob ingredients.

Aw.

When it's dark inside, too.

"Goodbye lights! Goodbye functioning refrigerator! GOODBYE WIRELESS INTERNET!" These are the things I didn't get to say, because before I even suspected it would happen, the power went out. Just, poof. Gone.

After unsuccessfully searching for my headlamp using the light of my roommate's headlamp, we decided that our best option was to walk ten blocks to Cooper's Alehouse. This bar has board games. I taught the roomie how to play Othello, and she beat me. The loss wasn't my fault, though. No way. I was distracted by nachos and a dart board that had "Supa Bull II" on the bottom. (See photograph.)

We finally agreed that the power should be on and if it wasn't, it was at least late enough for us to fall asleep and not feel like losers. As we walked, we noticed darkness. "Darkness!" we didn't yell but could have, "why are you still around?!" And then lo! The lights came on! Just like that!

"Hello lights! Hello functioning refrigerator! HELLO WIRELESS INTERNET!" From now on, I will be grateful for technology every second I have it. "THANK YOU, WIRELESS INTERNET! Never leave me again."

You knew. You knew I would do this.

Congratulations, Flanhoodles, on your softball team's victory against the always competitive Team Chanel.

Team Lego Star Wars

Our short-armed mountain biker brought this video my attention. Though it does not feature our team, it does accurately reflect our Ski to Sea experience.

Please enjoy.

My second favorite show was made into a spectacular movie.

Finally saw Sex and the City. Here are some adjectives that describe how I felt while watching it:
-Happy!
-Weepy!
-Giddy!
-Mooshy!

Loved it, loved it, loved it.
Will see it again, will see it again, will see it again.

I repeat, Norwegian news is boring and adorable.

Ice cream sales soar.

Yes. This really is in their national news.

10 foot lion cub vs. 10 foot mastiff puppy

Lesson: Put on your right shoe to silence alarms.

Imagine the most obnoxious noise you could hear at three in the morning. (For those of you with the wrong imagination, it sounds like this: WERRRRRHHH! WERRRRRHHH! WERRRRRHHH!)

I woke up to that noise. It frightened me. It angered me. It confused me. I thought, "Why is my alarm so loud?!?" I hit lots of buttons on my alarm clock. No change. Noise still werrrhhhiing. "Oh, it must be my OTHER alarm. The one on my cell phone." (Please note that though I'm usually a laid-back, easygoing kind of gal, I am a paranoid freak when it comes to alarm clocks and yes, I do set two of them every night.) So I turn off my phone alarm. Still the noise. I turn off ALL the sound on my phone. Still the noise. Then, I turn off my phone completely! What a dramatic step to silence the noise! But it doesn't work.

By this time, I'm as disturbed as NicUnCool in a room full of mirrors. "WHAT IS THIS NOISE?!?!" I raged (probably silently, but maybe not... it's all a blur).

I storm out into the hall. "HALLWAY! WHAT IS THIS NOISE?!?!?" Here, the noise is louder. "STOP, NOISE!!!!!!" But it wouldn't! It wouldn't stop!

Then, my sleepy daze started to fade. Yes, I had heard this noise before! The fire alarm! The stupid, stupid fire alarm! And not an alarm just for our apartment, oh no. This one wakes up the whole building.

As I was standing in the hallway being brilliant, my roommate stomped out of her room with the same face of confusion and anger that I had. Meanwhile, our cats were scurrying about the apartment in creepier ways than usual. Three-in-the-morning chaos, that's what it was.

I sat down on my bed wondering, "Could I sleep through this?" I was tired, you see, and unlike these lamers who have Saturdays off, I had to work in the morn'. The stairwell behind our walls was rumbling with the feet of the wimps who escaped, but I didn't want to. I knew there wasn't a fire. There is NEVER a fire. But the noise was soooo loud!

Finally, after peering out the window and seeing the building refugees standing in the street, including a woman holding her cat, a young couple wrapped up in a blanket, and social neighbors chatting happily (WHO CHATS HAPPILY AFTER BEING AWOKEN AFTER THREE IN THE MORNING?) I decided to escape.

As I was putting on my right shoe, the noise stopped. It was like heaven, if heaven were my relatively affordable apartment on a stupid night where I was awoken by an alarm but then everything became quiet. "Hurrah! Hurrah! I am going to reset my two alarms and go back to sleep!" And I did.

The problem with my awesome life.

It is 5:00, and I have no plans. My evening is like... well, it's like the Best Buy aisle with all the blank CDs. Which blank CD package do I want? Should I just go with the cheapest? And then, cheapest per unit, or cheapest overall? How many blank CDs do I really need? Should kooky colors be a factor?

Here were some activities I have considered:
-Baking cookies. This would cause me to EAT cookies.
-Running. It's cold outside, and I don't like running.
-Perusing the book store. The book I want, The Year of Living Biblically, isn't available used anywhere. I know because I called. Oh, and it's still in hardback, and who can afford that? Only Bill Gates.
-Watching the Sex and the City movie. It's Saturday. The crowds are out on Saturday. "Get out of my face, crowds." <---This is the attitude I would have if I went the movie theater.
-Hanging out at the library. I did this Thursday, and I didn't find many awesome titles. Also, I have read everything written in English except for The Year of Living Biblically.

Here are some activities I have already pursued:
-Exchanged my mad barista skills for cash. Customers tipped well. Thanks, generous customers.
-Watched the West Wing. It was the episode where Charlie is feeling all guilty about the shooting, President Bartlet is feeling all silly about his rival getting a school board position, and they make the jokes about the Alaskan crab puffs.
-Cooked more of that pasta/pepper/garlic stuff. Delish.
-Blogged. Haha! That's what I'm doing right now!

What's next?

Things that make me all teary:

1.
(and the following 3 videos that make up his speech)

Please note the pound at :52. So. Perfect.

2. When Bob Marley sings, "Then we would cook cornmeal porridge / Of which I'll share with you," in "No Woman, No Cry."

3. About every third episode of The West Wing.

This, darlings, is why Language Arts es mi favorito.

If you clicked the "get my read on" link from the last post, you got to a Youtube "video" for an intelligent and hilarious rap song about reading. "Read a Book" includes plenty of advice, like "Raise your kids," "Buy some land, 'f' spinning rims," and "Wear deodorant." It's a satisfying tune. It might reach my Top 25.

Anyway, I did some research, and discovered Bomani "D'Mite" Armah, the artist of the "Read a Book." He's amazing, and, mind you, "not a rapper."

Your duties:
1. Explore his website.
2. Check out his songs on iTunes.
3. Note all the quotation marks I used correctly!

Read a book, read a book.

I submitted my final paper of the quarter twelve minutes ago, and it's time to get my read on.

What's your favorite book and why should I read it?

The whole "encourage me to read your favorite book" has worked well, thus far. Finished Monkey Wrench Gang on Monday (and blew off a lot of studying to do so). Loved it. It didn't convert me to eco-terrorism, but it did convert me to Edward Abbey.

Hey Edward.

("Hey Kelly.")

Barack Obama for president! Barack Obama for my best friend!

Excitement builds

This fall, I will teach humanities, which includes language arts and world geography. I don't think the federal government considers me highly qualified to teach world geography, but I will cancel out their judgment of me by memorizing all the countries and capitals of the world.

So, here is the updated list of summer activities I have planned:
-Memorize all the countries and capitals of the world
-Tell you that the snail joke
-Feel really happy at the Stevie Wonder concert
-Etc.

Here is some summer fun that we will probably re-enact (except I'll have a better apron).

Wooooo! Woooooooooooo!

What I discuss at Safeway

It's hard for me to grocery shop without calling someone. I blame my mom. She knows one trillion recipes, so I frequently call her while I'm in the produce aisle. I ask, "Ma, what should I cook?" And then she gives me good ideas.

But today, I didn't call Madre. Today, I called Baumgal. "Baumgal," I said, "I am not rolling in cash, but I do want to buy organic. Which organic products should I choose?" She pretty much summarized this awesome website.

More importantly, though, we decided that when we go camping in a few weeks, we'll make coffee can ice cream. Like in chemistry class. Except rowdier.

I would name it "Snoree."

Today, I do not cheer for the Huskies.

I stumbled across this on UW's website: "The University of Washington is one of the nations outstanding universities."

Nations.

Oh my God.

You'd think one of the nation's outstanding universities could remember an apostrophe.

Hey pasta.

I like carbohydrates. That's why my discovery of delicious, whole-wheat pasta was so fabulous. Yep, a little whole-wheat spaghetti, olive oil, red and green peppers, and garlic makes for the happiest me you have seen in hours. Hours!

One of these days, when I'm feeling wealthy or reckless, I will go all out and get that fancy pasta you see at Pike Place. Garlic parsley fettuccine? Lemon chive angel hair? Dark chocolate linguine? So many options!

It's not easy being indecisive.

It is easy being awesome.