French Bulldog puppy, you are an inspiration to us all.

Artists, you have a collective problem. Besides the drugs.

My walls are bare. It's not a pressing problem, but I am spending all my time at Etsy anyway. It's where regular people sell art. I can afford regular people art!

Here's the issue: I just searched "Julie Andrews" and do you know how many results I got? No, less. Twenty-five. Ridiculous! When I searched for "armadillo", I got 200. Who has had a greater impact on Western culture and, more importantly, me? Julie Andrews.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll have to decorate with armadillos.

West Seattle is the Best Seattle.

I live in West Seattle again. I share a wall with my old apartment, in fact. Fancy that!

Here are my favorite things about West Seattle:

-Happy Hours. Talarico's has pizza slices the size of a bison head. And it's only three fifty during happy hour. Matador has dirt cheap but NOT dirt-tasting nachos, tacos, etc. during their happy hour. Cactus boasts affordable, tasty margaritas. Get in my hand, margarita! (No, don't get in my hand. It's 8:25 AM.)

-Friendship time. All the time is friendship time in West Seattle! People are particularly friendly in Safeway. I always chat with other customers and the checkers while waiting to purchase oatmeal. Sometimes, we give each other food recommendations. Get in my life, customer friends!

-The West Seattle Blog. Let me tell you, the West Seattle Bloggers are devoted. They update multiple times a day about awesome things, like Seal Sitters. Get on my computer screen, West Seattle Blog!

-Seal Sitters. Since West Seattle is beachy (not that way... reread "Friendship Time"), baby seals like to hang out here while their moms go fishing. But oh, don't mess with these adorable chunks of blubber! You'll have to deal with the Seal Sitters. Get in my marine mammal protection zone, Seal Sitters!

-Proximity to Mariner games. I love Mariner games! Everyone loves Mariner games! And you can get to Safeco Field and all the wondrous activities in that area in 12 minutes. That's right, TWELVE. Good job, public transportation. Don't let this one spread, though, because goofballs' impressions that West Seattle is far from stuff keeps the neighborhood affordable. Get in my memory, lots of Mariner games!

-Yen Wor Village. I am not embarrassed to say some of the most fabulous nights of my life were spent in a dive bar attached to a Chinese restaurant that has Karaoke seven nights a week. We know the bartenders, we know the DJ's, we know the regulars... maybe that makes us the regulars, actually. Cadav. Sometimes we show up there in costume, and they don't get mad. Get in my metaphorical pocket of smiles, Yen Wor Village!

This list is so incomplete it doesn't even mention all my West Seattle friends whose names start with "S". There are multiple.

The Real Victims

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Edit: While I am a fan of Obama's health care plan, it's not because insurance executive are greedy richies. Some of them are, maybe, but that's not the point. The point is that Will Ferrell makes me laugh like a bucket of otters.

I got a job at South Seattle Community College teaching folks who left school and are coming back now.

Friends, I got a job. I get to teach, and I get money.

Here are things I will buy now that I have a paycheck:

-Organic blackbeans

-THE WHOLE WORLD

Congratulations to me!

What? You didn't hear?

Initial emotion: happiness. Later emotion: frustration. Poor, dumb, French dog.

Chef Show 2

You know my second favorite chef show?

IRON CHEF AMERICA! (Say that with an echo. It'll give you a better understanding of the show.)

In ICA, one of the Iron Chefs competes against a guest chef to use a secret ingredient in the best ways. If you're lucky, you won't have to watch an episode with Iron Chef Bobby Flay. Iron Chef Bobby Flay is soooo annoying. I love the rest of them, though. They're sweet. You could make them in the cotton candy machine, probably.

Anyway, here are some ingredients I haven't seen them use but they should:
-Frog legs
-Tripe
-Bacon jam
-Pineapple
-Black tea
-Peanut and butter jelly sandwiches
-That peanut butter and jelly that comes swirled in one jar
-One grape that they have to split up over all their dishes
-The 32-inch rat they found in Papua New Guinea
-Ricky Martin Van Buren Raden (NicUnCool's faaaaaaatty cat)
-Molasses

I would happily be the judge for most of these episodes. And my birthday's in only seven months. Go! Make it happen!

Chef Show 1

Chef shows are the best shows. My pal Baum disagrees. She says, "Watching a food show is like listening to a photography show." That's true, I suppose, but I bet listening to a photography show would be ok. It really would. ("The shadow covers up the man's face, but that's no big deal. I hear he's NOT a looker.")

My favorite chef show is Top Chef. Have you watched it? This is my first season following it religiously, but I consider myself an expert anyway. I pick up things quickly. Like ice cream cones. If it drops, I pick it up quickly. I may or may not continue to eat depending on the cleanliness of the floor.

Here are some of Top Chef's best qualities:

-Tom. Somehow Tom knows how to be boring AND charming. Carson Daly never figured that out.

-Letting me judge people in a mean way. When I meet someone in person, I figure out something to like about them, even if they suuuuck. I don't feel that same obligation with tv folks. It's fun to hate that guy from Jersey!

-Letting me fall in love with four different people and root for them. Red Beard, Brothers, and The Only Good Girl. Those four will be in the top because they are to cooking what I am to blogging - better than almost everyone in the world.

-Food. I love food! I love it so much! And it reminds me of all these things I need to taste - frog legs, tripe, bacon jam, etc.

Top Chef is on in two hours, and already I am so ready I could vomit (to make room in my stomach for their impossible-to-reach-through-the-tv treats).