I finally developed the New Mexico pictures! Here are the 4 good ones.

Apple makes me ask the hard questions.

You know how you can't start a sentence with a number in number form? Like, this sentence is wrong:

4,289 baby chickens followed me home.

Well, is it the same with Apple iStuff? Is this sentence wrong?

iTunes' Top Song list shocked me by bumping Flo Rida's "Low" out of the number one spot.

Because you can't begin a sentence with a lowercase letter, but writing "ITunes" is downright wrong. Do you just have to rearrange the sentence so that "iTunes" comes later?

Such profound questions, and all before 10 AM.

Hilarious excerpts from high school essays!

Kool-aid Shoes Phil pointed out this website. If you are too busy and/or lazy to click on the link*, you can stay right here and I will tell you my favorite analogies:

-She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

-He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

-The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

-John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

-He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

-It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

More here!

*Because "click" and "link" are so dang close, I will now combine the words into "clink." You are witnessing language evolution! So lucky.

Protect your crumpets, too.

Summary of a cohort email that's been reply-alled like a thousand times:

Original Emailer: Who wants to play kickball against the social studies folks?British Science Guy: In England, we call kickball "football rounders."
Someone Else: British Science Guy, I'll be aiming for your "football rounders."

There were also jokes about rewriting history and angles, but those weren't as funny as the "football rounders." Nothing is as funny as "football rounders."

FOOTBALL ROUNDERS FOR LIFE!

Impending brilliance

If you were me, and I were Trivia Night, we would be together at 8:45.

Seattle!

I have lived resided in Seattle for 6 months. Starting now, I will live in Seattle.

This weekend was the Fremont Troll.
This afternoon, it will be the Ballard Locks.
This evening, I will make a list of all the other Seattle experiences I must have before I finish grad school in one year.

Suggestions, please! (Do you need examples besides the ones given above? You would. Well, here: Eat lunch at the Space Needle restaurant. Go to a laser show. See the Olympic Sculpture Park. Visit the Seattle Art Museum. Give me ideas like these!)

I must scratch this puppy's ears, and then tempt him to run across a lawn with his stubby, stubby legs.

In another life.

My dream job is secondary Language Arts teacher. Good thing, too, because I'm paying a lot of money to become one. However, if someone held a grenade and/or picture of Nicole to my face and demanded I choose another career, it would be one of these:

-Linguistics professor. I like words.

-Hilarious joke maker. Right now, I do it as a spontaneous volunteer. It'd be nice to get paid.

-Chef. Iron Chef America increases the appeal of this job. Geeze oh geeze, I love Iron Chef America.

-Money accepter. I might do this part time over the summer. You can help me train by sending me money to accept.

-Baby bear. Juuuust kidding.

Best Weekend Ever.

Here is a list of why this was the Best Weekend Ever (capitalization necessary to properly communicate the awesomeness):

-Fremont with NicUnCool. I couldn't handle that Nic had seen the Fremont Troll and I hadn't, so we hopped in my really sporty car and headed down to our favorite Bohemian neighborhood. The sunshine was saying, "Heeey ladies!" and the Greek food was saying, "I am so delicious and affordable!" and the bridge was saying, "Ding ding ding! Get off me! I am going to split so a precious sailboat can float underneath!" Good job being Fremont, Fremont.

-Productivity like whoa. I have a few professors writing me letters of recommendation, and they better include what a champion I was this weekend. So far, I have written a 9-page paper (it had no minimum, mind you, so I could have slacked and gotten by on a measly 5 pages), a 2-page reflection, and a 3-page goal statement. Additionally, I read and underlined 4 articles (totaling 80 pages, more or less), 1 chapter (30ish pages), 3 classmates' reflections, and 1 classmate's essay draft. Finally, I created a mobile based on a terrible young adult novel.

-Bellingham fun, but in King County! Yep, two of my favorite Bellinghamsters - Flanhoodles and T-Rex arms - were in the Seattle area this weekend. You know what that means? It means Pho and dancing to 80's music in their friend's living room. I busted some wild moves and got a rug burn on my knee, but you know it was worth it.

-Unhealthy breakfasts. Now, this pattern won't continue, but nothing kicks of a day like chocolate chip cookies, fo' real. I didn't have any left for this morning, though, so I found some unbaked biscuits in a can and popped them in the oven. [Insert joke about Wrench.] Once they were perfect and warm, I filled them with raspberry jam. What a heavenly morning! But oh, it gets better. The aforementioned Bellinghamsters called me and hollered, "PUT THE BISCUIT DOWN! It's time for brunch at the Pancake House!" To be honest, I didn't put the biscuit down, but I DID join them for strawberries, coffee, and guffaws.

Yes, it was a glorious weekend, and who knows what the last 7 hours and 32 minutes hold? How exciting. How wonderfully, wonderfully exciting.

But only one person calls me "K-Bot."

Sixty percent of my newish friends call me by my initials. It's silly, because "KJW" has three more syllables than my first name, and the same amount of syllables as my full name. Still, I like it. Efficiency is overrated.

Good morning, Saturday! You look fabulous!

I just woke up from a dream where my friend, Kumari, was preggers with a child she was going to name Emerald. The father was either one of her gay friends or a guy she called Wrench.

Now I am awake and have put my subconscious silliness behind me, but ol' NicUnCool is still fast asleep on my futon.

"Why the h is The Dweeb in Seattle?" you ask.

"Well, Foul Mouth, she's in Seattle because I set her up on a date with my racquetball partner, Racquetball Ray. As I arranged, they went and saw the Queen Laser Show. Then, NOT as I arranged, they saw the whimsical Fremont Troll."

Please note that I have done NEITHER of these awesome things, but I am a good person and don't get in the way of others' happiness, even if laziness has gotten in the way of mine. Oh, and this part is not in quotes, because I would never actually say this. No, I am stoic. I am a silent hero.

Anyway, while Nic sleeps like an ungradschooled babe, I am going to drink my tea and start working on a diorama. That's right.

Haicoo'

Setting: Cooper's Alehouse
Characters: Roommate and KJW
Plot: Being more awesome than usual

Keeping Busy While the Roommate Pees
Seattle's Alehouse.
It's so the original.
I rock at language.

Talk of Structure
What's complicated?
SEATTLE! Those syllables.
So freaking many.

Part One
Blue middle-aged man
Tosses darts, has beer belly,
Keeps score with new chalk

Part Two
"Blue", what do you mean?
Oh, dumb ass, the shirt, the shirt!
It is a blue shirt.

Our Favorite
O, Trivia Night
You bring out the Keats in me.
It's too bad Keats sucks.

Three minutes ago

I was brushing my teeth. My roommate was reading about kool-aid shoes. WHOOOA. Her three-minute-ago activity was way cooler than mine. Heretofore, my teeth shall remain dirty.

Oh geeze, the information source is getting complicated now. The roommate is hollering from her bedroom that our pal Phil told her all about the shoes. Oh! Oh, there's more! Phil's friend Kim told him about the kool-aid shoes! If you're lost, here is a little diagram:

Someone -> Kim -> Phil -> Anna -> Me -> You

-> means "told the following person about the kool-aid shoes:"

What a beautiful, complicated mess. Thank you, kool-aid shoes. Your wackiness brought us together in an internetty, linear way.

Ringo.

Most people don't believe me when I tell them about Ringo, the largest cat they'll ever meet. This weekend, however, several of my friends got to experience this crazy beast.

Beth made him pretty.

You are Poopsie.

Dear Poopsie,

I'm writing to remind you that The Salt-n-Pepa Show is on tonight. At 10 o'clock Pacific Standard Time, tune into VH1. You'll be glad you did for these three reasons:

• Salt
• Pepa
• DJ Spinderalla

Mmm hmm, Ms. Spin is making an appearance. I, for one, expect drama. After all, the episode is called "Three's a Crowd."

Procrastinatey,
KJW

PS Did you see S&P on Regis and Kelly this morning? I don't use the phrase "off the hook" too often... no, actually, I don't ever use the phrase "off the hook"... but this calls for it: Salt-n-Pepa were off the hook. And it was a fancy hook with sparkles and sound effects. Most hip-hop duos would be on that hook. Not our girls, no way.

This should not pique your interest.

I hate Comcast.net "news." I do. I won't even give you a link, because it's important to me that you keep your faith in humanity. Also, I don't feel like making the effort.

Here is the headline that spurred this most recent anti-Comcast rage:
Tasered Cop Sounds Like Chewbacca.

Oh my God.

Last night, I did not tear it up on the dance floor.

Pals from far and wide joined for margaritas and a living room dance-off. (Don't worry. It was not Pants Off Dance Off.) Nic's baby brother defeated me with some wicked moves. Here is why I was not on my game and would beat him in another challenge:
-The living room was hot, and I am used to living at higher latitudes.
-The living room was hot, and I am used to living in an apartment where we pay our own heating bill and have therefore adjusted to the frigidity.
-The living room was hot, and I am naturally so cool that I felt out of my element.
-I am not a puggle named Apple. Neither was my opponent, but it didn't matter to him, whereas being a puggle named Apple could have really helped me. Especially the curly tail.

Now, I will eat a jumbo, butter-flavored biscuit.

Overheardinmiddleshool.com (if there were one) #3

Teacher: Those people didn't think for themselves. They were sheep.
Student: Call them SHEEPLE!

S&P wait for me. Edit: S&P didn't wait for me.

I was putting mini-marshmallows in a blue mug of hot chocolate when an image of Salt-n-Pepa flashed in my brain.

The show!
It's back on this week!
Did I miss it?!?

I swore aloud. I'm not going to lie.

"Don't worry, Self," I said. "VH1 is da bomb, and they will let you see clips online." Comforted, I took my hot choc back to my awesome Crate and Barrel desk to enjoy the show in the comfort of my own computer chair.

A little Googling, however, showed I didn't miss the show at all! This is great news for two reasons. First, it means I can sit on the couch and watch the show in all its commercial-breaking glory. The experience feels authentic that way. Second, it means I can promote the show to you people! Hurrah!

WAIT! Wait. Oh geeze. Must we go through this together? I DID MISS IT! I MISREAD VH1'S WEBSITE!

Oh Lord.

An Ode to Allison Janney: The Process Begins

I love bad poetry almost as much as I love Allison Janney. So, when the 8th-graders were assigned to "write feverishly in [their] writing notebooks for fifteen minutes", it made sense that I would do the same and create something for the wonderful C.J. Cregg, Brenn MacGuff, and kooky counselor from 10 Things I Hate About You.

I have this:

Allison Janney towers above
All her acting peers.
She's been charming fans, [something "ans"]
And winning Emmys for years.

Man oh man oh man. Allison Janney deserves fans with better writing skills. But I will improve. I will improve for me, I will improve for you, but mostly I will improve for Allison Janney.

Yes, sir, I'm cut from a different cloth. My texture is the best fur, chinchilla.

The teacher next door stopped by with a six-pound bag of pretzels. The Democrats left them after caucusing. Thanks, lefties. I appreciate it.
The conversation quickly moved from pretzels to fuzzy animals, and you know what? I have never seen a chinchilla - not live, not in a picture, not even on a coat. In fact, my only experience with chinchillas is rapping about them in "Crazy in Love."

If you're in the same no-idea-what-a-chinchilla-looks-like-boat, here is a picture of one. You're welcome.

I love Valentine's Day because I love chocolate.

Frank Warren loves Valentine's Day because he sells more PostSecret books.

Iron Chef ingredient: Boring

Bad news, readers. Tonight, I am unable to bring the funny.

First, I wrote about how my parents give me groceries when I go home. That was 1ame. I deleted it.

Then, I wrote about how I bought regular vanilla yogurt instead of reduced fat vanilla yogurt. Though I discovered the regular is fluffy and delicious, it was not a good topic.

I also considered telling you these things:
-I am drinking pomegranate juice out of a mug that has a picture of a trolley car and "Norm" written in fancy letters.
-Last night, I told an Italian named Aldo that he was lucky to be alive because his country has one of the lowest birth rates in the world. I think Aldo was offended. It was just a joke.
-My toes are being eaten by teacher shoes.

But I reject all of them in favor of blueberries. I'm sorry I couldn't bring the funny. Honestly.

Represent.

I caucused! Hundreds filled my old junior high gym. Our precinct voted Clinton (barely), but the other ones I eavesdropped on voted Obama (barely).

I also made friends with an 80-year-old named Wayne. Hey Wayne.

heardinmiddleschool.com (if there were one ) #2

Girl: How long have you been going out?
Boy: Almost 6 months.
Girl: Whoa! That's going to suck when you break up.

Urban living

I dry my clothes on the ceiling fan. I don't spin them or anything. Just let them hang.

Lenten Survivor

Please vote for your favorite Lenten sacrifice and/or commitment. I accept anonymous comments, additional suggestions, and Catholic jokes.

1. No Facebook. This would save time, but how would I get invited to parties? I could go the wimpy route and allow myself to check it on Sundays, I suppose.

2. No chocolate. This is silly, and you shouldn't vote for it.

4. Read one non-young-adult book a week. Literature would go nicely with the "No Facebook" commitment. What else would I do with all my time not spent playing Scrabulous?

5. No blogging. Just kidding. I would never do that to you.

6. No Catholicism. Haaaaaahahaha.

7. Say, "Bow chicka bow wow" when somebody says my name, including "Ms. Walden." We had this going at my old house. It was pretty fun.

8. No compassion. [Insert Republican joke.]

9. No laughter. [Insert Nicole Raden joke.]

10. Lay green eggs. No ham.

11. No television. This would be easy if it weren't for The Salt-n-Pepa Show. Damn that hilarious hip-hop duo.

12. Tell Oprah that I don't want my latest novel selected for her book club. See #13 for details.

13. Write a novel. Plot TBD.

14. Get the New Mexico film developed. I often lean back in my computer chair, look at the shelf above my desk, and feel inspired by an object up there. First it was the creepy nose that inspired a mini-lesson. Then it was helicopter card magic trick. Now this! Darling, please come to my apartment and set something wacky and motivational in my "lean back and think" view.

15. No punctuation

What do you think please tell me in a comment youre awesome

Mardi Gras 2006

Lent is always a big deal to me, but 2006 was extra special. This is what I wrote:

Sacrifices from March 1st - April 16th include three specific internet timewasters, three specific money wasters(ish), bricklaying, crack, getting divorced, shaving beards, reenacting all wars besides the U.S. Revolutionary, insider trading, drive-by shootings, and hardcore S&M.

Extra undertakings from March 1st - April 16th include publishing plagiarized works in my name, gold digging (that kind), gold digging (the other kind), scuba diving with yet-to-be-discovered sea creatures, dabbling in the pornography industry, giving my roommates different part of a blowfish to see which ones are poisonous (the parts, not the roommates), and stealing babies.

If you read this, snooping students, please recognize that all references to sex, drugs, and other unwholesome activities are silly, silly lies.

Communist Russia.

My parents won't caucus with me, because they hate freedom and democracy. And puppies.

He gets me. He gets my vote.

"In the unlikely story of America, there has never been anything false about hope."

Tomorrow morning will be so much fun.

Tomorrow morning will be so much fun. It will be so much fun that I am organizing this little cheer. You yell the words in the italics.

HOW MUCH FUN WILL TOMORROW MORNING BE?
SO MUCH FUN!
HOW MUCH FUN WILL TOMORROW MORNING BE?
SO MUCH FUN!

Good job. As your reward for the enthusiastic cheering, I will tell you WHY tomorrow morning will be so much fun. To liven it up, I will write in the present tense.


I am crabwalking with Chewbacca in a Detroit Pizza Hut when, what is this!?! Oh my gosh! There is no Chewbacca! Just warm, snuggly blankets! I think, "Dawn is probably approaching. That would mean it is time to get out of bed, straighten my hair, drive to school, and stifle my laughter directed at the 8th graders' inappropriate jokes." I'd think it calmly like that, too, because I accept my duty. When I open my eyes to confirm the the time, I see that the clock does, indeed, say 5:41. (The clock doesn't actually say 5:41. Like, it does not read that time aloud. Rather, it reads 5:41. The 5:41 is written. You people always write, "The clock read [time]," and I'm sick of that. Don't tell me it "read" something.)

But wait! Something is happening with the "knowledge"! It is normal wake-up time, but do I actually have to wake up? No! The answer is no! I have no early morning obligations! Now I will sleep! This morning is so much fun! SOOO MUUUCCCH FFUUNNNN!


That is why tomorrow morning will be so much fun.