Why I (usually) like 8th graders

Writing notebook excerpts:

This was good: "Besides all that crap, I am a pretty beast writer."

This was better: "When we aborted the plain...."

This was so funny I almost had to leave the room: "Well, in my 5th grade lunch I was eating minding my own business, everybody was happy, yeah blah blah blah. We're young, we're cute, but when push comes to shove... it's going down at recess."

(SIC like whoa.)

Themes from the deleted

Kris and Kelly, Book Club

Anyone But Giuliani '08

Thanks to me, Rudy Giuliani is out of the race.

America wins!

3 good newses and 1 bad news

Good News #1: My blog comes up when you Google my name. Try it! Clearly, I am famous. I wield lots of power. Now, pay attention to which political candidate I endorse.

Bad News #1: Students could find my blog if they wanted, so I have to take down a few posts from which 13-year-olds would derive enjoyment.

Good News #2: I've taken up a new hobby: running with unicorns in a field of rainbows.

Good News #3: I found you a picture of a baby elephant.

overheardinmiddleschool.com (if there were one)

"I don't like those tight jeans because they, like, make your butt purple." -8th grade boy

Money problems.

Yes, yes, let's revive the economy through spaniels!

Do not give me golf clubs.

In real life, my parents did NOT buy me golf clubs for my birthday.

In dream life, however, my parents DID buy me golf clubs for my birthday. I wondered, "What made them think I wanted golf clubs? I wanted rent money, or maybe a few racquetball balls, or perhaps some chocolate."

I have a silly, silly subconscious. I also have a lovely, lovely momma who promised that she would never buy me golf clubs.

Friday night

Today, I bought a durable binder at Target. I said to the binder, "Binder, help me organize." The binder has yet to respond.

We can't shut up about this.

Should public school teachers share their beliefs (political, religious, etc.) with students?

Yes?
No?
Maybe, under some circumstances?

Please give me your opinion! Also, please give me chocolate with toffee bits! But first the opinion.

Mr. President, Abraham Lincoln is my regular-sized housecat.

I like to pretend Abey Baby is a little "big cat", like he is a runt tiger who would maul me if he could, but he is just too darn tiny.

How dead do you think I would be if he were 350 pounds instead of 8? He gets in these moods, see, where he rolls over and exposes his soft, flabby belly, just so I will snuggle him and then he can attack! And you know what? It hurts sometimes. It really does.

Haha! In the morning, when he senses I am awake, he climbs on my pillow until I lift my sheets and he can curl up next to me. Imagine if that were a tiger! Imagine if my morning snuggle were with a tiger! Imagine if I were a tiger snuggler!

The only thing weirder than snuggling with a tiger would be if I walked on ice and had flippers so that when my stubby legs got tired, I could plop on my belly and push myself along as if I were a penguin.

How to reduce both taxes and terrorism.

Price to effectively improve Afghani schools over the next 5 years: 2.5 billion
Price of the (arguably) ineffective Iraqi War: 488 billion

How will improving Afghani schools help us? Today, TIME reminded me that "every social and economic index shows that countries with a higher percentage of women with a high school education also have better overall health, a more functional democracy and increased economic performance. There's another payoff that is especially important to Afghanistan: educated women are a strong bulwark against the extremism that still plagues Afghanistan...."

Now, let's think bigger! Let's pretend we improve 10 Middle-Eastern countries' schools for 10 years!

(2.5 billion) x (10 countries) x (2 segments)(5 years) = 250 billion, half the cost of the War in the Iraq that has gone on for 4 years.

I'm just saying.

I am not trying to tear apart Nic's family.

I was recently accused of trying to tear apart Nic-Nic-Nicaroo's family. That is bold-faced lie and the next person who makes the claim (coughNic'sOldestBabyBrothercough) will get tied to a crocodile using lederhosen. (Please forgive me for the misplaced modifier. The crocodile is not using lederhosen. Rather, I will use the lederhosen as tying device. This is quite the sacrifice because I love lederhosen always and forever, and I do not want the precious garment ruined by a reptile.)

Here are some long overdue Nic's Family Interview highlights. This should be evidence enough of why this Shih-Tsu loving, Snack Drawer having, Cranky Curling clan should stay united.

This is Kelly Walden at the House of Horror.
Nic: HALLOWEENIE 2007! Wait. THANKSGIVINGY 2007!

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Your daughter hung up on me once. Why did you raise her like that?
Ultimate: I didn't know about it. I never knew she would something like that. I raised her much better than that, but one day I went on the internet to check up on all the children I have adopted across the world, and I stumbled across information about this one I gave birth to - the one I gave my life for, practically - and saw that she was interviewed by her friend, Kelly. I thought, "I'm going to read this! It is going to be so funny!" That is exactly what I thought. Then I scrolled down, and the interview was rude. It was rushed. It was showing favoritism for people who lived in Bellingham, which I know firsthand is what she does. And then it was over.

So if you could go back and change anything about your life raising Nicole, like if you gave birth to her, or fed her, what would you change?
I think we would raise her more like Swiss Family Robinson, so she would appreciate the earth and natural things like trees, plants, friendship, and love. And alligators.

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Ryan, remember when your voice wasn't so deep?
::pause::
::whispering in background::
No.

I would like the reader to know that a certain "Ultimate" is coaching her son's answers. I would also like the reader to know that Nicole is screeching and lifting her shirt to scare the dog. Now, Ryan, I hear you're a poet. Give me a poem!
I don't have them committed to memory. There are too many of them.

If you say that again, I will punch you. Ryan, give me a poem!
Once again, I do not have any of them committed to memory.

I am punching him. Can you give some topics?
Love.

And... Mexican Waxes? [Context: Mexican Waxes, according to the Nic's Family Patriarch, are like Brazilian Waxes for men. Men have jalepenos, you see.] No. Just love.

Ok. Since we are only getting "love" from RJ, we are moving to Derek, chess extraordinaire, who is currently being tormented by two reddish dogs. Derek, say something brilliant to me.
Hellllooooo.

Elaborate.
Um.
::whispering from the family::
Y=MX + B

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Math formulas, poetry, and motherly guidance - those are the reasons that the RADEN/JOBES STAND UNITED.