Linguistically Correct

I frequently force Hambers to answer probably-never-going-to-happen, so-hypothetical-it's-almost-a-waste-of-breath questions.

Examples:

Hamb, what should we do if we win $300,00? How about only $30,000?

Hamb, what would you do if my leg turned into a giant wart?

Hamb, how mad would you be if I kissed Ludacris? Just kissed him. Hardly any tongue.

Since H put a ring on it, I've realized that I get to factor him into all of my decisions, big and little. Should I spend $25 on season 4 of Friends? Should I invest some of my money for a down payment on a house a thousand years from now? Should I eat the whole bag of yogurt pretzels? (Answers: no, maybe, no but I did it anyway)

Anyway, I wondered, "What term best describes this relationship? "Fiance" doesn't mean anything, and "future husband" is precious at best... OMG, he is totally my life partner. Because we make decisions together! Like a team! Life Team!"

I probably won't call him anything but Hamb or "the man" because I only use excess syllables on jokes, but if I wanted to use the most accurate label, I'd probably gay it up and say "Here's my life partner, HamberHambyHamb." And then goobers would give me the scoff eye or wonder if one of us was a tranny, but I wouldn't care at all.

Harper can be Life Mascot. Abe is Life A'hole. My tea is Life Beverage. This is perfect.

Look out, fancy Mercedez Benz.

Unlike you futuristic weirdos, Drew and I do not have wireless internet. As I'm blogging this, my computer is attached to a cord that is attached to a cable outlet that is attached to a whole, wide, world of information and smut!

To you, this non-wireless business might be restrictive, but I like it because it keeps me closer to

this:

This wildly important piece of art is titled "Dinosaurier auf der Autobahn" (oooobviously), and it used to be in the Hambletons' shed. I bet if we took it to the Antique Road Show, they'd say, "This poster is worth one trillion dollars", but I still wouldn't sell it... well, I wouldn't let Drew sell it, because it's not technically mine until the wedding.

Should I move up the wedding so I can be half owner of this poster?

If you were with me (physically), you'd be able to see the face of the guy who's driving that green truck. If you were with me (mentally), you'd be able to think, "Woweewowwow, this dino fills my soul with joy and whimsy!"

I would feel differently if this dino's last name were Rossi, but I don't think it is. I bet its full name is Dino Clompy.

Stay here in my sight, Dino Clompy. Never, ever go extinct.

Transportation

I've made two big transportation purchases:

(1) A bus pass for fall quarter. It means I get to hang out downtown for 10-60 minutes a week. It's like I'm a real city person. Once, I even saw a guy smoking a blunt at the bus stop. Drugs! What a crazy world.

(2) The best car in the world... or continent. Yes, maybe just continent. But look at this beautiful 2004 Toyota Matrix!

What it lacks in power locks and get-up-and-go, it makes up for in reliability and space for the dog to roam. I love it. So much. Drew's lucky I'm already engaged to him, because I totally want to put a ring on this thing. I don't know where it would go... maybe the door handle... but no matter. This car is mine always and forever and/or until it dies, but I hear Toyotas don't do that.

Now, as soon as our pupper realizes that we're not going to abandon her and leave her to be eternally frustrated by squirrels, I can actually leave the house via bus or car. Heeeey, mobility.

Fiance schmiance

Oh, what's that on my left hand? Ok, nothing. But what will be on my left hand after it's done being resized?

An engagement ring!

From Drew!

I am engaged to Drew. Here are some things that will be different after we're married:

-Drew will be less supportive of my signature, because to him it's ok that I blur "Walden" but not "Hambleton". Psh.

-Drew will be half responsible for cleaning up cat puke. Well, Abe's puke, not all the cat puke in the world. That's not how marriage works.

-I can say "father-in-law" and "sister-in-law" isntead of "boyfriend's dad" and "boyfriend's brother's wife". Hurrah for brevity!

-Maybe we'll get in a fight. I think married people do that sometimes. The angriest I've ever been at Drew was loosely related to chocolate chip mint ice cream, and within seconds, my rage went from "I'm never talking to Drew again!" to "I'm never talking to Drew again... for 24 hours!" to "I'm never talking to Drew again... for 8 hours!" which was how long I slept. So I totally kept that last one.

Happy engagement, us!

Houndstooth tears

I love Project Runway more than bee-loving bears love bees. I love the goofy fashion, I love Tim Gunn, and I love how it makes me cry even though it's kind of about fabric.

On another note, my left nostril is totally clogged.

RIP Busty Bust

Buster Walden has gone on the Eternal Car Ride.

He's in a world of chasable squirrels, unstealable Nylabones, and 30-foot, metal cows at which he can bark. We loved that rascal. Buster Walden, thanks for a decade of flops, leans, and snugs. Lovelovelove and treats.

By and by

Alki Beach is fabulous. Don't let the weirdos tell you otherwise. Look at it!

It turns out they were ants, anyway.

I owe Oats.

It started when I attended a meeting to learn how to make HL a therapy dog. As I listened to the sweet ladies with dainty poodles, my mutt was performing therapy by destruction on my passenger side seat belt. It's a weird kind of therapy. Very new age.

So, I'd been driving around like a weirdo with passengers in my back eat. "Enough is enough!" I said. (Actually, Boyfriend said that. And then I said, "I'll get a new seat belt when you set up an automatic transfer from your bank account into your IRA." Secret message to Boyfriend: I have secured my passengers, so it's time you secure your future.)

I did a little research and found a seat belt in a junk yard... in Spanaway. Grosssss, Spanaway! My dad, Oats, was a hero and picked it up for me. You da man, Oats! Then I drove down to Puyallup and he almost helped me install it. You almost da mechanic, Oats! Unfortunately, we lacked the seat belt tools. The neighbor had them, though, so took things apart and started reassembling them. You da tool-havingest, neighbor!

But all this was just background for why I owe Oats a blog post. He made a comment that made me giggle like my teeth were made of sparkles. The conversation went like this:

Me: Oats, there are termites around. Scary!

Oats: Well... don't come out here and be wooden.

Hahahahaha. I was talking about the house, but he was talking about Pinocchio or something

Termites. Being wooden. Bahaaha.

Invisibility Cloak

Here are things I'd do if I had an Invisibility Cloak:

-Win radio contests. I'd sneak into the radio station and eavesdrop as they discussed the winning trivia answers. Then I'd sell the prizes online to buy a year's supply of wasabi peas.

-Scare my dog. "Why is my gutted hedgehog toy flying? WHAT IS HAPPENING?" Harper Lee is so precious when she's nervous.

-Travel for free. How easy would it be to sneak on to a direct flight to Paris if you were invisible? So easy! And then I could sneak into fancy hotel rooms after the housekeepers left, and I could steal croissaints from bakeries. (Only ones they probably weren't going to sell, though. InvisiKelly isn't completely devoid of ethics.)

-Look for cheaters. Students are clever, and some like to glance at their classmates' tests. H no, students! Your teacher can see you, even though you can't see her!

It's a good thing HP took care of Voldemort. Otherwise, I'd have to focus my Invisibility Cloak privileges on fighting evil instead of eating croissants.

The Avett Brothers

Why hadn't I heard about these guys? I do not accept the blame. Someone should have my directed attention to The Avett Brothers. I want them to follow me places and sing.

"Oh, here I am buying dill pickle relish." The Avett Brothers!

"Now I'm strolling in Schmitz Park with my dogger." The Avett Brothers!

"It's time to sleep now." The Avett Brothers!

Get on my iPod, Avett Brothers!

It's a fluffball!

We have finch babies!

Congratulations to Alejandro and Lady Gaga, our resident House Finches. After frequent visits and tweets to the nest by our window, they have successfully brought their babies from eggdom to chickdom! If cheeping is any indication, these tiny, fluffy finches are thrilled to be alive.

Since I can't actually see the nest, I can't give you details about the number and/or appearance of these itsy bitsy birds, but Google thinks they look something like this:


Stunning, stunning creatures.

If there are 4 chicks, we figure these are their names:
-Freya (as named by the roommate)
-Beaky (as named by me)
-Tasty Snack (as named by Harper Lee, the dog)
-Constant Temptation (as named by Abe Lincoln, the cat)

We are thrilled to welcome these babies into the world. Feel free to send cash or money to us so we can buy things that will help them better transition into non-eggdom. I sense that they want me to have new Patagonia shorts and a faster laptop computer.

DOG

Remember when I said I'd save up thousands and thousands of dollars before I got a dog? And how I said I just wasn't ready to get a dog? Clearly I was a ding-dong. A few weeks ago, I adopted Harper Lee, and now my life is twenty-eight hundred times better.

Ok, I am as broke as a 24-year-old because she almost died and had to stay a weekend at the emergency vet clinic. And, all right, I am spending exorbitant amounts of money on reducing her separation anxiety and finding toys and treats she adores.

But really, I freaking love this dog. Let her drain my bank account! I have a new best friend, and she has a scruffy nose.

Harper Lee Basics:
-11ish months old
-Kind of sickly
-Lab/Airedale mix
-Way mellower than you'd think a Lab/Airedale mix would be
-Fond of chasing squirrels
-OMG SO PRECIOUS
-40 pounds
-Will accept fan mail. Email me for our address.