Bird News

Mockingbirds can tell people apart. I think that's a little freaky. You know who probably thinks it's freakier? My pal, Lynn. She's afraid of birds. In fact, she's afraid of anything that can attack her from above. I suspect she also fears bats, anvils, angels, and hail. And you know what? I bet she's not afraid of penguins, ostriches, or emus. They're birds too, Lynn! Stop claiming bird hatred if it's really things-from-above hatred that possesses you!

Anyway, if people keep saying you're paranoid because you claim a bird hates you, you may actually be right, especially if you're mean and sass the grandma who tapped your shoulder at the Mariner game. Yes, that person exists. She wore hoop earrings and rooted for the Anaheim Angels. If I were a mockingbird, I would recognize her and say, "That girl needs some niceness bird-swooped into her." Then I would, as you guessed, swoop. She'd be frightened and therefore nicer. Fear changes people.