Brilliant Cory tells me that if you click on the picture, you can read my helpful captions! Hurrah!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Grad School Mess
Brilliant Cory tells me that if you click on the picture, you can read my helpful captions! Hurrah!
Hilarious Thanksgiving joke
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
A: Pilgrims!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Excellent news!
I am cavity-free!
This morning, I went to the dentist. It was the first time in five years that I paid Dr. Bailey a visit. I could tell that he missed me a lot, mostly from the cardboard cut-out of me they had in the waiting room, but also from the music. They were playing what has been called "worship music", although I listened closely, and I didn't hear the singers specify the object/person they were worshiping. I think we can safely assume it's me.
After all the blushing from being worshiped, I heard somebody say, "Kelly Amazing Walden?" It was the dental hygienist. I followed her back to the fourth room on the right. It wasn't scary.
I wore cool sunglasses while the hygienist scrapedtea awesome stains off my teeth. She talked to me about mashed potatoes and short commutes while I thought about how sweet it was for them to have the cardboard cut-out of me. It really was nice. Most places I go don't have that. I mean, a lot of them do, but not over fifty percent.
Post-scraping and whirring, they gave me some mouthwash to swoosh around "until it gets foamy." It got foamy, so I spit it out into the cup. Well, partly into the cup, and partly onto my Boundary Bay hoodie. It dried off quickly, but my sweatshirt still smells minty fresh.
Finally, they told me that the molar pain I experience when I try to run across the busy road to get to my bus stop is not, in fact, due to cavities. Turns out that two of my molars have exposed roots. Goofballs! All the cold air I breathe whilst running makes the roots say, "Hey! Ouch!" (but in tooth-language). Now I have fancy toothpaste to quiet those noisy little monsters.
I must go make a poster about misplaced modifiers, but worry not, reader! I will keep you updated on the condition of my teeth.
This morning, I went to the dentist. It was the first time in five years that I paid Dr. Bailey a visit. I could tell that he missed me a lot, mostly from the cardboard cut-out of me they had in the waiting room, but also from the music. They were playing what has been called "worship music", although I listened closely, and I didn't hear the singers specify the object/person they were worshiping. I think we can safely assume it's me.
After all the blushing from being worshiped, I heard somebody say, "Kelly Amazing Walden?" It was the dental hygienist. I followed her back to the fourth room on the right. It wasn't scary.
I wore cool sunglasses while the hygienist scraped
Post-scraping and whirring, they gave me some mouthwash to swoosh around "until it gets foamy." It got foamy, so I spit it out into the cup. Well, partly into the cup, and partly onto my Boundary Bay hoodie. It dried off quickly, but my sweatshirt still smells minty fresh.
Finally, they told me that the molar pain I experience when I try to run across the busy road to get to my bus stop is not, in fact, due to cavities. Turns out that two of my molars have exposed roots. Goofballs! All the cold air I breathe whilst running makes the roots say, "Hey! Ouch!" (but in tooth-language). Now I have fancy toothpaste to quiet those noisy little monsters.
I must go make a poster about misplaced modifiers, but worry not, reader! I will keep you updated on the condition of my teeth.
Just helping you visualize, that's all.
Nic-Nic-Nicaroo Kristine Raden, circa 2004
Bombgal (left) and ShortArms (right), circa 2006
My own father laughing at my gall bladder misery, circa 2005 (This picture is thrown in to show what a hard, hard, hard life I had growing up.)
Oh, just traveling the world not wearing a belt.
::ring::
::ring::
Kelly Jean!
Bombgal!
Whatup?
Well, I'm calling to interview you for my famous blog!
Yes!
Are you ready? I'm interviewing you right now. I'm recording right now, in fact, so don't talk about... you know...
Those STD's you have?
Aw, shoot. Now I HAVE to print it. Well, ok. First question - some of these may have been contributed by the last interviewee, a certain Nic-Nic-Nicaroo. Question 1: What's it like to have such long, flanhoodley arms?
Well, they're very nice for reaching things, but it makes it difficult to buy sweaters that fit.
So, how do you interact with your short-armed roommate?
Well, we figure that together, we make one, average-length person, so it works out really well. I always have to reach things off the shelf for her, but I don't care.
You're such a good roommate.
I am.
Next question: How do you feel about the fact that all of Bellingham, Washington has seen inappropriate amounts of your lower back?
I'm OK with that. I think, actually, that my mission in life is to have more of the world see inappropriate portions of my lower back.
How do you plan on going about that?
Oh, just traveling around the world not wearing a belt.
That's good. So, why do people call you WappyDoodle behind your back?
I didn't realize that they did!
Well, it WAS behind your back, but now that you know, how do you feel about it?
I'm a little hurt, but, you know, anytime someone goes to the trouble of making up a name about you, I think it means they care a little too much.
Good point. What do you think we should call ShortArms* behind her back?
T-Rex Arms.
Ok, that's good. So, what's your favorite kind of stingray?
Not that one that killed Steve Erwin, that's for sure. I like the ones I saw in Sea World when I went there in the fourth grade.
Did you jump in the tank and swim with them?
No, I just petted their flat, stringrayless bodies. They had their stingers removed.
Oh. Why didn't you jump in then, if they couldn't sting you?
Well, because they frown upon that in Sea World, and I was still at the point in my life where I followed all the rules.
So, if we went now and
I said, "Hey Bombgal. I'll give you half of this hot dog I'm eating if you jump in the tank with the stingrays." What would you do?
I'd say... I'd probably do it, as long as the water looked pretty clean.
Good. I think I'm going to arrange that. Ok, what would you do if I said, "Hey, I'm not going to recycle for one whole year"?
Wow. You probably wouldn't survive that year because I would have probably killed you.
How would you kill me?
Poison.
What kind of poison? I know where this is going...
Kelly Poison.
I thought you were going to say, "ShortArms Poison."
ShortArms Poison only works on ShortArms!
Well, if you got extra-potent ShortArms Poison and I brought out my inner-ShortArms....
That's true. You could tuck your arms into your shirt.
And teach special-ed children.
And wore fake watermelons in the front of your shirt.
And was from Marysville.
Mm hm. Then the ShortArms Poison would work.
So, speaking of, if I were to interview ShortArms, what questions should I ask her?
You should ask her what's inside her boobs - what she thinks is really inside them. And you should ask her the definitions of words. Look up some weird words in the dictionary, and ask for her definition. You could also find some words from urbandictionary.com and ask her the definition of them, and see how many more she gets right.
I just learned a funny word from urbandictionary.com, and once the recorder's off, I'm going to tell you. We'll have a good laugh together. Finally, what message do you have for my really, really loyal and hopefully money-giving-to-me readers?
Recycle if you want to survive.
::ring::
Kelly Jean!
Bombgal!
Whatup?
Well, I'm calling to interview you for my famous blog!
Yes!
Are you ready? I'm interviewing you right now. I'm recording right now, in fact, so don't talk about... you know...
Those STD's you have?
Aw, shoot. Now I HAVE to print it. Well, ok. First question - some of these may have been contributed by the last interviewee, a certain Nic-Nic-Nicaroo. Question 1: What's it like to have such long, flanhoodley arms?
Well, they're very nice for reaching things, but it makes it difficult to buy sweaters that fit.
So, how do you interact with your short-armed roommate?
Well, we figure that together, we make one, average-length person, so it works out really well. I always have to reach things off the shelf for her, but I don't care.
You're such a good roommate.
I am.
Next question: How do you feel about the fact that all of Bellingham, Washington has seen inappropriate amounts of your lower back?
I'm OK with that. I think, actually, that my mission in life is to have more of the world see inappropriate portions of my lower back.
How do you plan on going about that?
Oh, just traveling around the world not wearing a belt.
That's good. So, why do people call you WappyDoodle behind your back?
I didn't realize that they did!
Well, it WAS behind your back, but now that you know, how do you feel about it?
I'm a little hurt, but, you know, anytime someone goes to the trouble of making up a name about you, I think it means they care a little too much.
Good point. What do you think we should call ShortArms* behind her back?
T-Rex Arms.Ok, that's good. So, what's your favorite kind of stingray?
Not that one that killed Steve Erwin, that's for sure. I like the ones I saw in Sea World when I went there in the fourth grade.
Did you jump in the tank and swim with them?
No, I just petted their flat, stringrayless bodies. They had their stingers removed.
Oh. Why didn't you jump in then, if they couldn't sting you?
Well, because they frown upon that in Sea World, and I was still at the point in my life where I followed all the rules.
So, if we went now and
I said, "Hey Bombgal. I'll give you half of this hot dog I'm eating if you jump in the tank with the stingrays." What would you do?I'd say... I'd probably do it, as long as the water looked pretty clean.
Good. I think I'm going to arrange that. Ok, what would you do if I said, "Hey, I'm not going to recycle for one whole year"?
Wow. You probably wouldn't survive that year because I would have probably killed you.
How would you kill me?
Poison.
What kind of poison? I know where this is going...
Kelly Poison.
I thought you were going to say, "ShortArms Poison."
ShortArms Poison only works on ShortArms!
Well, if you got extra-potent ShortArms Poison and I brought out my inner-ShortArms....
That's true. You could tuck your arms into your shirt.
And teach special-ed children.
And wore fake watermelons in the front of your shirt.
And was from Marysville.
Mm hm. Then the ShortArms Poison would work.
So, speaking of, if I were to interview ShortArms, what questions should I ask her?
You should ask her what's inside her boobs - what she thinks is really inside them. And you should ask her the definitions of words. Look up some weird words in the dictionary, and ask for her definition. You could also find some words from urbandictionary.com and ask her the definition of them, and see how many more she gets right.
I just learned a funny word from urbandictionary.com, and once the recorder's off, I'm going to tell you. We'll have a good laugh together. Finally, what message do you have for my really, really loyal and hopefully money-giving-to-me readers?Recycle if you want to survive.
International Scholars Most Valuable Opinion Award
"Nic-Nic-Nicaroo Kristine Raden" won. She convinced me to send her the interview questions rather than ask her over the phone. Because of this, she seems funnier than me. Psssh....
---------------------------
Question 1: Why the h do you care about neglected and abused kids?
Because of their cute little faces.
Question 2: Do you think I should care about neglected and abused kids, too? Why?
Yes, because you should try to emulate everything I do and think.
Question 3: How do you think people will respond to the crassness of those last two questions?
Most people I know would not understand your sense of humor. They might feel any of these emotions: scared, unsure, frightened, exasperated, nauseated, iffy, quiet, subtle, goopy, snarffly, waffley, carebeary.
Question 4: Why should I care about your opinion?
Last year, I won the International Scholar’s Most Valuable Opinion Award for my highly acclaimed opinions. So even if you don’t want to care, facts show that you have to. My opinion is a treasure.
Question 5: What question should I ask Bombgal* when I interview her?
What’s it like to have such long flanhoodley arms? How do you feel about the fact that all of
Question 6: What have you secretly wanted to tell me your whole life?
There are several things:
1 – You are the love of my life
2 – And the apple of my eye
3 – Meet me by the clock tower at
Question 7: What do you think about your snack drawer? Will you have one when you grow up?
I think the snack drawer is an innovative step towards the progression of the future. Yes, I will have one when I grow up and it will be voice activated and I will use it while I’m floating on my hoverboard in my one-piece silver outfit.
Question 8: How much do you enjoy looking at pictures of me? I have attached one, in case you need it.
It depends on what you mean by “enjoy.” If you mean “want to jam pencils into my eyes just to avoid the torture of seeing that for one more second” then the answer would be “quite a bit.”
Question 9: What do you think about this interview ending on question 9 rather than, say, question 10, or even question 7?
To be honest, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. My undiagnosed OCD makes me want to round it out to 10 questions so badly that I am going to invent a Question 10 just to make the creepy crawlies stop going up my back.
Question 10: What are you doing today? [I would never ask a question as lame as this one.]
Well, I’m going to be at work until
---------------------------
What a jerk.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Prep yo'self fo' you... feel unprepared.
I interview people now. It's the bloggy thing to do. I even have this tape recorder left over from all these conversations I had with eighth-graders. We talked about Thurgood Marshall. I am supposed to be using those recordings as data for a 15-page essay I need to be writing, but exposing the fascinating (and often disturbing) deets about my friends' lives will probably win me a Pulitzer Prize, and that essay will not.
I don't know what society would do without me.
Anyway, here's interview #1. I don't use real names in my interviews, so I'll just call my subject "Nic-Nic-Nicaroo Kristine Raden." The interview takes place on speaker phone. My words are in italics.
Nic! Nic, I'm recording you now!
You... no!
Yes!
Or... you could SEND me an interview.
No! No, then you'd have your answers planned.
No, I can't answer now. I'm at the mall and people will hear me, and then they'll put it on their own blog.
This won't be personal. I won't ask... I won't ask about your first kiss with FirstKiss*. HAHAHAHA!
(angrily) All right, allllll right....
HAHAHAHA!
I'm telling on you. I'm telling BombGal*.
Are you ready for the first interview question?
I can't hear you anymore.
Then she hangs up. After 10 years of friendship.
*Pseudonym
I don't know what society would do without me.
Anyway, here's interview #1. I don't use real names in my interviews, so I'll just call my subject "Nic-Nic-Nicaroo Kristine Raden." The interview takes place on speaker phone. My words are in italics.
--------------------------------
Nic! Nic, I'm recording you now!
You... no!
Yes!
Or... you could SEND me an interview.
No! No, then you'd have your answers planned.
No, I can't answer now. I'm at the mall and people will hear me, and then they'll put it on their own blog.
This won't be personal. I won't ask... I won't ask about your first kiss with FirstKiss*. HAHAHAHA!
(angrily) All right, allllll right....
HAHAHAHA!
I'm telling on you. I'm telling BombGal*.
Are you ready for the first interview question?
I can't hear you anymore.
--------------------------------
Then she hangs up. After 10 years of friendship.
*Pseudonym
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Reason #297,281 that grammar is fabulous.
Next week, I am going to give a lesson on misplaced modifiers. If you don't know what those are, I forgive you. Kind of. Unless your name is Rudy Giuliani.
Anyway, here are some hilarious examples of sentences with misplaced modifiers:
A woman passed by leading a springer spaniel in a long black dress.
Haha! A dog wearing a dress!
After reading the paper, the telephone rang.
Haha! A telephone reading!
Oswald and Hilda found the flowers hiking up the mountain.
Haha! A flower hiking!
Geeze, English Language! You are a riot!
Anyway, here are some hilarious examples of sentences with misplaced modifiers:
A woman passed by leading a springer spaniel in a long black dress.
Haha! A dog wearing a dress!
After reading the paper, the telephone rang.
Haha! A telephone reading!
Oswald and Hilda found the flowers hiking up the mountain.
Haha! A flower hiking!
Geeze, English Language! You are a riot!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Press play.
I'm really happy being me. I mean, REALLY happy. If I had to be someone else, though, I would probably be CJ Cregg. The "J" in "CJ" stands for "Jean", so I'd hardly have to change anything, anyway.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I can't believe I'm going to be assigning these things to people.
This sincere desire to learn is really getting on my nerves. Back when I was a youngun' (6+ months ago), I could just pick a thesis and run with it... well, write with it. "Heeeey, holes-in-my-argument!" I'd yell, typing away, looking forward to a good grade, retaining nothing, having time to jump over my coffee table later.
But now! Now. Psshhh. I have 2 theses to decide upon and 20 pages to write. I've been pondering and organizing my shoe rack and playing Scrabulous and underlining important sentences and STILL nothing. Actually, no. I have a few embarrassing thesis statements scribbled out, and some neatly-hanging shoes.
I am so frustrated that I made Movie Popcorn instead of Lite (not "Light", mind you) Popcorn. Now my keyboard is buttery.
But now! Now. Psshhh. I have 2 theses to decide upon and 20 pages to write. I've been pondering and organizing my shoe rack and playing Scrabulous and underlining important sentences and STILL nothing. Actually, no. I have a few embarrassing thesis statements scribbled out, and some neatly-hanging shoes.
I am so frustrated that I made Movie Popcorn instead of Lite (not "Light", mind you) Popcorn. Now my keyboard is buttery.
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